Time stands still

Familiar faces attract and push me away simultaneously. I want to move, but can't pick a direction. I'm waiting for an impulse or burst of energy, motivation; anything. Maybe it'll be enough to stand still until I collapse from the fatigue and when I wake up to a new day, I'll know what to do.

It's scary how fast time flies by, so fast that nothing seems to change at all.

I'm scattered all over. I can't be bothered to clean this mess up or look for anything I may have lost in the process.

I've managed to buy the same thing twice due to forgetting about the first time I did it. I've played the same memories over in my head so many times that most of the time it feels like I'm repeating myself. I wish for more than I'm willing to work for, and so much doesn't get done.

Slip-ups

It's incredible how your surroundings impact you.

Sometimes I'm certain it's them speaking out of my mouth instead of me.

Hatred

I (probably) have lots of unresolved hate issues.

I don't really care about getting to know new people, it sucks always having to repeat the same stories and tell people the same things about yourself. I say I don't know why I bother, and really, most of the time I wonder, because I really don't know. It's so disappointing all too often. I hate you all.

[but the list is no more]

I miss...

I wish I could forward the cozy feeling dreams can produce by dressing fragments of them into words that clumsily attempt to describe them. I wish these words could transmit at least a part of that perfect everything I have such a real memory of without physically having experienced it. The playful touch of fingertips on my bare neck and shoulder, the feeling of being pulled next to someone. Little details like a smile, having full awareness; almost being omniscient. It's as if telling a story while being a part of it; how quickly infinite joy disappears and is replaced by utter indifference. I miss [you] in my dreams.

I may swallow words, but this swallows me whole.

There was a big house in the woods on a warm summer's day, a family wearing happy faces and a white car that had three flat tires. There was a party, but I couldn't find my black dress with white spots on it and portraits were painted of young couples; the husband-to-be was to stand a little to the back of their bride-to-be, and I watched from the side as I had no one. Half of the family wasn't properly dressed and it all seemed to be falling apart, but all the while everything was fine.

I don't know how the confusing party in the back yard of the house turned into my senior cruise, and the ship had odd holes and a maze only I could solve. I threw a shoe at someone.

I could be free

I am free.




I forget the option of running away.


I forget not caring, indifference, truth, honesty, contentment, joy, your voice and the words you've spoken.

I forget.




When I remember, sometimes, when morning hours creep around the corner; I remember, I am relieved, I breathe again.

I remember you and I remember thoughts, dreams; I remember the wall I'm supposed to climb... when I'd much rather stay in bed.

Exhale

Erase all the shit, take a deep breath.

It's going to be a long day, because short timespans seem to stretch beyond your comprehension when you've been up countless hours and there are no memory traces of moments spent unconscious covered in blankets and sheets.

It's almost breakfast time, but I haven't prepared.