standing at a harbor. there were lots and lots of people around and everything looked like one of those disney fairy tale endings, with green hills and everybody's living their happily ever after, except instead of a cartoon picture real green hills and fields and a blue blue sky on a warm summer's afternoon. the harbor i was at was really more like a dirt road by the seaside than a harbor and there was a tunnel of sorts at the top of a little hill if you walked a little further along the road - it looked sort of as if you'd end up inside a ruined castle, if you walked through it, but really you didn't. the road just ended there entirely and you'd fall in the water if you kept walking. it looked sort of like something had taken a huge bite out of the ground right there and whatever used to be there was gone now.

i had to jump over this sort of creek making a "hole" in the ground or road, if you will, while i approached the tunnel. lots and lots of people had gathered around to see what was going on. eva longoria was there with me or at least she was the only person i recognized in the crowd and she was my friend or whatever you want to call it. we were there, sort of talking to each other, or acknowledged each other anyway and exchanged some words about what was going on.

the sun was setting and it was hard to get past all these people, but eva helped me jump over the "hole" in the ground so i wouldn't fall in the water. not that it looked deep or cold or anything. in fact, i'm pretty sure if you'd fallen in, it would have been very warm and nice, but i didn't want to do that. i wanted to get closer to the edge where the ground ended to see "it" before the sun set entirely. couldn't really get too close to the edge with all those people standing there.

you should have seen it. the sky stopped being blue there. it was like someone had taken watercolors and fingerpainted the sky in a billion colors with paint dripping all across the horizon and it was the prettiest thing ever. bright yellow with some black spots like freckles and lines shooting across the sky like fireworks. i wanted so badly to take pictures of it before the sun set and it was all gone, but all i had was a lousy throwaway camera and for the life of me i could not make my hands move fast enough to take as many pictures as i wanted.

***

i was driving out in the cold and snow in our shitty old car, right down the hill past my old school and by the theater. it was getting dark outside. the light always turns red right before you arrive at the intersection so you have to stop - that is, you have to, if there are cars in front of you. otherwise you speed up and drive even though you know you aren't supposed to. but that's just stupid and a waste of time and it's not like anybody cares anyway. but now there were cars in front of me and it was slippery and even though i wasn't going very fast and i hit the breaks as hard as i could, i crashed into the car in front of me with the force of a thousand suns (not really, i just felt like saying that, because of how funny it sounds, "the force of a thousand suns", english is a funny language that way). i swear i still feel like i had actually been in that car crash, even though it never happened.

nobody really got hurt. i wasn't even wearing my seat belt, but i was fine. the sound was terrible though - the car hitting the one in front - metal wrinkling and glass breaking and it felt like i had torn a hole into the fabric that was the world. i didn't know what to do. i always have these dreams, whenever i dream of being behind the wheel. the breaks just don't work or i lose control over the car. before i ever got a license, i used to have dreams that started out with me sitting in the backseat of my dad's car, looking out the window. always in the backseat, looking out the window. sometimes i was alone, sometimes there were others in the car with me. but i was always in the backseat and i would glance around the car to realize no one was driving. the car was driving by itself on a straight road in a desert with nothing around, just a straight road. realizing that no one was driving, instead of panicking i climbed over the seats and took the wheel not even considering anything could go wrong. and it didn't. i took the wheel and knew exactly what to do and everything was fine.

now all i dream about is crashing the car or losing control over it. so much so that after crashing into that car in front of me at the lights and completely wrecking it, probably both of them, i hit at least two other cars while trying to park to call someone to get me out of this mess.

woke up to my mom asking me if i'd like to go to germany with some random dude to get a car.

i said no.

Bullseye

Sometimes I get drunk and make pancakes and my aim improves by just that much.

Maybe I do have the potential to understand why people abuse to feel better.

yeah you know what i'm saying

"This is where I'd put my huge vagina monologue of how much I love you, if I wasn't saving that for the honeymoon, if you know what I am saying."

This is a pretty egomaniacal way of putting it, but

I could sit around all day hoping for my dreams to come true or
i can spend some of that time becoming other people's dreams

or making them;

whatever, really