I don't know;;;;

what
do
I want +

Taking you by the hand with the most excited look of anticipation, let me tell you let me tell you what is going to happen what is happening what happiness means what knowing what you want means how there is no such thing why we couldn't possibly know when making these agreements for the first time, i wonder how many of us go through our lives never finding out and if there were a measuring tool where i would fall on the scale of not knowing anything,

would i be more than a thermometer sinking into a bottomless ocean,

let me tell you things neither of us will ever understand while we're both inclined to think we are more right than the other, maybe argue a little, debate these views, undress verbally and physically, or redress, red dress, blue dress,

tip toes through this story, eyes lips on fire, ice cold hands.

been a child a dozen times
childhood slipped through my hands, every time
through finger tips pointing at the things i wanted
thinking i needed

tongue-tied, pursing lips to form the words
grimaces to enunciate, accentuate

you start over, pick up something new
brush up; revise; forget and learn anew
unlearn / ing

so many rules to remember
so difficult to switch back and forth
[why is it ?

never less demanding to slow down, baby steps
try to forget, somewhere else you could run
here you must first learn to crawl
stumble and fall
learn to pick yourself up

sitting still can feel the wind in my hair
through  finger tips pointing at the things i wanted
pursing lips; grimaces
tongue-tied starting over
unlearning so many rules to remember
never less demanding

learn to slow down

It's just growing pains; just growing pains

I know I only want what I can't have and the only reason I keep coming back for more is because you keep saying no. Don't say Yes just yet.

I've never been more miserable in my life; never felt more alive.

Every time you turn me down a part of me dies.

I know I should go, but no rationalization over this will help me save face and walk away.

I need another mistake that will either make me or break me.

There's a sick longing to crack the foundation of my very being; undo everything I've spent so long carefully building.

I can't even tell if I am hurting because you are or because of you; if there is, ever was, a difference.

Just because it's a mistake doesn't mean it's not worth making; because it's difficult doesn't mean it's not worth pursuing. Because it's reckless and stupid should be enough to stop me, but. I can't keep my hands to myself, can't deny myself the sharp sting of your words and I am terrified by the excitement and thrill of completely destroying myself over nothing.

I guess I might see you on the other side,