It is happening;
an arresting presence,
resting awareness.

Warmth.

The sun is making its way back.
Please come home, and let me go.
Let me go home.
I am ready to go home.
Am I ready?

How about meeting someone who talks like they write,
and they know how to write, and life will be captivating.

This once.

(you don't know if I'm talking about you or me, and neither do I)

This once, words will not suffice.
We fall into dance exactly as it should be.
All things seen, heard;
different communication on top of each other.

On top of each other,
and you said,
"I'm a fool at this."

viima
luihin ja ytimiin
aurinko nousee

odotan kun
aurinko nousee

viimeisen kerran

julkiset vaunut saapuvat
kasvoja tulvii vastaan
valtavirtaan
uin vastavirtaan

raajat raahaavat minua
levolle ja

aurinko nousee
sukellan

pikakahvi
täyttää sisimpäni

sukellan kofeiinihöyryissäni
minne tänään päädynkin:
levolle

aurinko laskee
sukellan pikakahviin
viima täyttää sisimpäni

I don't know;;;;

what
do
I want +

Taking you by the hand with the most excited look of anticipation, let me tell you let me tell you what is going to happen what is happening what happiness means what knowing what you want means how there is no such thing why we couldn't possibly know when making these agreements for the first time, i wonder how many of us go through our lives never finding out and if there were a measuring tool where i would fall on the scale of not knowing anything,

would i be more than a thermometer sinking into a bottomless ocean,

let me tell you things neither of us will ever understand while we're both inclined to think we are more right than the other, maybe argue a little, debate these views, undress verbally and physically, or redress, red dress, blue dress,

tip toes through this story, eyes lips on fire, ice cold hands.

ship metaphor

slowly becoming a new ; growing old
neither of us knowing
[who i am]

what of the pieces that go missing'
or
are replaced by ones with different functions

Superpower #2

[R]ewinding any given moment and still be able to remember what never happened after all. No bullshit 'pause' or 'fast-forward' or any of those other options. Until the last moment of your living conscious being intact, you could undo and do retakes. E.g. punch someone in the middle of a conversation to see how they would react, but not have to deal with the consequences; jump off a cliff and you could still undo the (attempted) suicide as long as you do it before you hit the ground. Miscalculate by a fraction of a second, and you cannot go back.

Also, no 'reliving memories' -- except to the extent that your fallible human memory can re-create the moments you've already lived through. 'What you remember becomes what happened' quite literally.

[W]henever you decide to 'revisit a memory' it will change the course of events to an unpredictable degree, because of the incredible number of variables and you will never be the same person stepping in the same river.

social hangover:

morning after
the sobering up
oh god what have i done

does sitting in a silent room with people
ever make you wonder why anyone likes you;
because i get that feeling now

both as in,
get where you are coming from
and having contracted the disease

love poem

love is like a yo-yo:
i don't get the appeal
am bad at it and
fuck you

growing apart

implications
that we were ever
growing closer
more than walking together, and
going our separate ways

tootles, motherfucker

[headphones]

umbilical chord, cord, cordial, ah
souvenir, from years, for years

leaning towards the right
oh the ears

around the neck

soundwaves like spears


untangle this mess, ah
veritable train wreck

Matching quote

"A gentleman doesn't pounce ... he glides. If a woman sits on a piece of furniture which permits your sitting beside her, you are free to regard this as an invitation, though not an unequivocal one."

relations[; hips] & fishing

like a dog chasing cars;
what would i do if i ever caught one?

plenty of fish in the sea

that is my, disinterest in [g]
you r being
boring

and i have respect for your keeping at bay


and wasn't it einstein who defined
insanity as repeating the same experiment expecting
different results?

Soul searching

Nothing here; dégagez

Mistaking apathy for affection

[Why are we] programmed to only look for evidence to support our
misconceptions
misinterpretations

question mark

Logbook entry 120922

After 21 years of not wearing pjs, I have anchored in a perpetual state of pajamaland.

been a child a dozen times
childhood slipped through my hands, every time
through finger tips pointing at the things i wanted
thinking i needed

tongue-tied, pursing lips to form the words
grimaces to enunciate, accentuate

you start over, pick up something new
brush up; revise; forget and learn anew
unlearn / ing

so many rules to remember
so difficult to switch back and forth
[why is it ?

never less demanding to slow down, baby steps
try to forget, somewhere else you could run
here you must first learn to crawl
stumble and fall
learn to pick yourself up

sitting still can feel the wind in my hair
through  finger tips pointing at the things i wanted
pursing lips; grimaces
tongue-tied starting over
unlearning so many rules to remember
never less demanding

learn to slow down

"We're [me and my brother X] kinda like you and Chesty on your nightly adventures, except we also speak French together."

"Yea... Ouais, on parle français avec mes... I can't fucking remember, my French is all rusty after not having used it in years."

"Tes frères et soeurs ?"

"Yeah, totally."

Drinking chocolate sauce from chocolate goblets; crunchy chocolates shaped like roses, bunnies, walnuts and barrels. Two of each and the taste of cherries.

Movies, cramped up on a tiny couch full of stuff; emptying it out together.

Period blood everywhere.

"This is just a dream, it has to be, but why can't I wake up and does everything feel so real?" stops the panic from setting in. Why am I washing my hair in this person's bathroom instead of trying to clean up the mess?

And why was I in such a hurry I forgot my shoes in the school bathroom only to have Paula's younger brother throw them in the toilet. Those leather shoes are never going to be shoes again.

in an ideal world

It wouldn't be weird to say, You're pretty aggressive, you know. Inappropriately so, but I'm not complaining. Pulling your chair right up against me. Always standing way too close. Leaning in over my shoulder in silent agreement over the obvious.

There's no harm in smelling nice and being friendly.

Really, in an ideal world I could be vocal about it and deal with the consequences.

I'm sorry

Well, hey. I do miss the talks we used to have but no matter how sad the past sometimes makes me I wouldn't: respond
reach out; pull your hands away

stop.

not tears of sadness so much as they bring relief- i am running towards loneliness.
you(r words) are not going with me.

Friendship

I've spent a great deal of time not at all understanding it. I don't know how much of it was fear of commitment to my immediate surroundings and all sorts of nightmare-like scenarios in my head slowing me down. I'm still not too confident in saying I have fully grasped even the few characters that I have cast to play the roles of my friends on this great stage of life, but I don't feel as lost anymore. I have at least learned to distinguish some of the patterns and even if I don't really understand the rules behind them completely, it helps in playing my part some of the time. Sometimes I forget my lines though.

The dreadful realization I have made looking at the bigger picture is that these people shape my existence to a greater extent than I would ever have imagined. I'd like to say it's kind of nice too, but I can't. Not right now anyway. I'm okay with it for the most part though. I just need to figure out how to deal with it or maybe what I need to figure out is that there's nothing to deal with in the first place. I'd be okay with that really.

I'm usually pretty okay with how things are.

But really, I don't know how to deal with all the countless variables and the potential butterfly effect of a retarded joke snowballing my life out of control. Especially when I'm way too lazy at clearing up obvious misconceptions and thrive on a bit of chaos. I do have one wish. Please don't ruin my life. I'd like to think that is a reasonable thing to ask and I am asking nicely.

Thank you for your co-operation.

There are countless easier ways to get me to leave

I'm not joking when I say there are brief moments here and there when I am absolutely terrified of completely and utterly losing my mind. Maybe it's a contributing factor to why I don't do drugs.

The kind of silent terror that sweeps over you in a cold wave like the nightmares you have where you try screaming for help, but your mouth freezes open and nothing comes out. The kind of helplessness you experience when you finally accept that no one can really save you from yourself.

Maybe it's not so bad; maybe having a mind of your own is nothing more than one of those things we're accustomed to having and can do without anyway.

I would never admit it, if you asked me, so don't.