Lies

Remember that time you said that thing about that other thing, and I still think about it?

Me neither. I can't remember.

Attitudes: My driver's license

Before getting one: fuck cars
After getting one: fuck walking

Before driving in the winter: I'll be there in 15
... in the winter: I'll be there in—

Freedom: a dramatic reading

From the perspective of freedom being the state prior to choosing sides; life, a job, a career, a family. A fucking big television, washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Before good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. The present lacking morgage repayments; a starter home, friends. No leisure wear and matching luggage. Not facing the choice of a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Prior to DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning; sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth ... rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future? Choose life?

...

I never stood a chance
at freedom

Improvements to the world as we know it

Shut the fuck up and do what I say.

Someone stab me

It's like the first year of high school all over again
for the fourth time

except this time
every day is like fucking déjà-vu

Remember when...

there was too much time
the summers would never end
somehow everything was better
someone would always cook for you
a little money was more than enough

silly rules could be overcome with age
the worst enemies... weren't
endless patience was that of another
you didn't have to, you could
you couldn't, you were going to

Did you; are you?

Transitions

In fact it shouldn't change anything that much, right, right right right. But I've got my mind on other things, other people, dreams turning into nightmares. The nightmares I used to run from I don't miss you them it anymore but I do, sometimes, sometimes I really do, I miss it; the stress, the hurry, the bullshit I had to put up with for so many years.

But I've got my mind on other things and I can't hear you I'm not here I'm always away, always somewhere else and you're not here I'm not there but I could feel you when I, if only I, could stay awake for five minutes. Nothing feels like anything and I can't hear you I can't see you I don't know what you're saying, I don't know what you're saying.

Follow your dreams. Follow your dreams. Follow your dreams the mantra playing over and over is all I hear you're all I think about when I go to sleep and freedom is an obsession well I hear obsession is what lazy people call dedication, but I don't, I don't, I don't know what I'm [not] doing. [but it feels good, too]

Everything ends and it's no reason not to live here and now, but avoiding the present is the only way to keep going. all drained out I, I, I, it's all a game, but I've forgotten the rules and I don't know the moves; the only valuable move is not to move, You're a puzzle you're my puzzle I'm going to make you mine I'm going to, I will, you are you are you are you are intact.

I got my mind on other things, I can't recall a single word you said to me, I don't even hear myself but the voice [i]s there, it's there it's present it's all coming out this time I'm not going to break everything this time. This time there'll be a plan: no plans. There'll be you, and me and then some, and you may never know but I love you I love you I love you I love you and we don't speak but I speak to you without ever saying a thing, I write and I think and I feel and I miss, long for, strive to stay awake and fight for even when the enemy's out of sight oh i don't know what we're fighting for or if it's worth it but the lust for you never goes away it's only replaced by moments of disgust, relief for holding back, comfort in not making another mistake.

But I've got my mind on other things and the nightmares, the nightmares, the nightmares feel like adventures and more real than this here now, thought cuts off but I can feel it remember it everything could almost reach out and touch the moment and maybe if i can keep this up I won't slip into another coma. the sun sets as the light of reason set long ago. everything is an illusion, life is a playground, won't you play with me, play, play, play, another round of hide and seek, cars and airports and busses, ships, mountains, fields and wild berries strange currencies and languages neither of us can speak, memories, moments, everything's in the wrong tense

and we're always stuck in the present
no regrets
no regrets
no regrets

but I've got my mind on other things
these things
those things
other things

You could do anything, anything at all, anywhere at any time but I can't tell when you're serious or if I ever am, jokes, jokes pile up and one thing leads to another but we're never quite there and I could leave everything for another fifteen minutes; though, for once, having been able to say words I've believed I meant I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I could die right now and I'd be the happiest ever; the plane could fall I could fall and the sensation of flying, what would I know with the cold air and wind and there's snow on the ground but Christmas never seems to go away but how is it never there when Christmas finally arrives and New Year's Doesn't Feel Like A New Day, Not Like Yesterday nor does today feel like anything i can't see hear speak but tomorrows, there's a new day around the corner another day full of potential hope happiness victories like each night every single travel never made all that shit you've never seen me do all the words you could never hear the ones i couldn't speak; busy being in disagreement with myself and its surroundings/// but I've got my mind on other things


Suggestions
Propositions
Proposals
what would you say to. . .

I'm here I'm now I'm everywhere I'm no one nowhere never there don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't. There's no greater art than there is art in not meaning anything but nothing and everything all at once; sleeping dreaming awake i forget lose perspective fade away with the thoughts and dreams and words washing over, tides pulling away constructing the idea of all those sand castles on the beaches of imagination seems much more enlightening and exciting than going outdoors, respect, respect, honesty, fuck all conflicts with what I don't believe in and supposed manners people ought to have and smiles I wish were genuine but it all makes me sick; thank you thank you thank you thank you for

Wanting to get along. even when all I see hear is bullshit. Together just you and me. Pronouns unattached; people taken out of context, fear sinking into indifference, character into oblivion. Tell me, tell me, let me tell you, listen to, hear, experience, dreams, secrets, life, dance to the music no one else has time for.

Oh, I've got my mind on other things. No matter, it'll work itself out, someone will, maybe I won't, but none of us will make it, some of us will, we'll all get there on our own time, fuck time, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck but whisper sweet things and don't push your luck; above all don't [listen to me] and break the rules. Don't construct rules. Combine, bend, cheat, destroy, give in; never ask for permission. ask for forgiveness.

But I've got my mind on why I don't know the reasons to advocate my position or anyone else's or why mine is supposed to be any better than yours not to mention I cannot justify why I feel so fortunate for being instead of envying you for having things I will never have had or why I wish you could taste some of this or why I wish to share it or think you couldn't feel it in the first place or why I'm wasting all this time and sometimes I remember to look up at the sky to see the rays light up quilts of fields, play on your skin, the clouds moving past the full moon and the stars and all I want to do is lie down on the ground and smell the grass like I used to do as a kid but the summer's gone and I can see my breath and it's always too easy to come up with excuses.

He was watching the whole time