Rocking the balance

Probably should have worked harder all those times people told me to. Not that hard work will pay off in the end, but having done something differently i may have ended up somewhere else. someone else. sometimes it's so tempting to think there are no alternatives and knowing what's around every corner is comforting in a way. History repeating itself; all you have to do is find the recurring pattern[s] and everything becomes a routine you [can] repeat without really being there. i wouldn't be able to tell you where i go, if you asked. i don't wonder most of the time; i wait. most of life is spent waiting. but i will wait.

Life is in many ways what i am learning now. changes all the time, whimsical in its directions; making plans is useless, but the roads are long and they go on for years ahead - consequences of the paths you take are no more concealed than they ever were. but i am always looking for the first appealing exit off this highway, and i'm not as hesitant to take it as i used to be. maybe i say things to convince myself more than anybody else, and as long as there is a reason - any i can find at all - i don't know how much there is lying, how much it matters, how much i can bring myself to understand why people are so upset so much of the time. how upset i am sometimes by the trivial. but most of all, why, and how that does not come across and how much i don't bother with clarifications.

I want to tear everything down to begin.
knowing how it works does not matter;
knowing that it does does.

Turns out

it was really lack of practice
rather than sadness

Time stands still

Familiar faces attract and push me away simultaneously. I want to move, but can't pick a direction. I'm waiting for an impulse or burst of energy, motivation; anything. Maybe it'll be enough to stand still until I collapse from the fatigue and when I wake up to a new day, I'll know what to do.

It's scary how fast time flies by, so fast that nothing seems to change at all.

I'm scattered all over. I can't be bothered to clean this mess up or look for anything I may have lost in the process.

I've managed to buy the same thing twice due to forgetting about the first time I did it. I've played the same memories over in my head so many times that most of the time it feels like I'm repeating myself. I wish for more than I'm willing to work for, and so much doesn't get done.

Exhale

Erase all the shit, take a deep breath.

It's going to be a long day, because short timespans seem to stretch beyond your comprehension when you've been up countless hours and there are no memory traces of moments spent unconscious covered in blankets and sheets.

It's almost breakfast time, but I haven't prepared.

Wall of sound

I miss this; if you're part of this, then it'd only be fair to admit I miss you too, occasionally, for brief moments. The way the chords of an acoustic guitar reproduce with my soul, like when you poke fun at me and find the weak spot and I wonder if you know, if you know, do you know. Do you not realize.

You play the piano and you whisper words and when you are quiet there is nothing. I worship you in the silence of that nothingness, the nothing that is everything that it consumes. What I say means nothing, unless they are the words I try to keep from you to prolong whatever we have now.

But you don't know about the violins, they weep when you're gone and compose in your name. The violins that laugh in your presence. The laughter covers everything, blinds my vision and certainly I'll never see enough, if I'm looking in the wrong direction. If it's dark I'll still hear you breathe, are you still there, are you there, you're there, you're close but you're far away; enough just enough.

Excitement I thought I'd never feel again, but I'm still doing it upside-down and I think I'm happy. I'm glad. I'm content.