So, here's a thought

I have these dreams, fantasies, if you will, and they're weird. Really, what I mean is I bet they are very typical and common among people and that everybody has them. I don't believe in fate or destiny or think, at all, that there are two people who were made for each other and are meant to be. There's no "perfect match" that will complete you or a perfect first kiss that will lead to a happily ever after. That's bullshit.

But I do like toying with the idea that I could know someone well enough to figure out and understand (remember) what really makes them tick; those small things that you can do for someone and it will put a big grin on their face and even after they stop smiling on the outside, they're going to feel good, pleased, happy, content and hey, why the hell not: loved. Makes me genuinely happy and feel good about myself, too, when I can do or say just the right thing, at the right time, and get a positive reaction from someone I really care about. Sometimes it's nice to do nice things for people you don't know at all, but really, that doesn't seem very meaningful to me. The fact that some people are eager to donate money to charities and do volunteer work thinking that makes them better people, while they are actively shitting on the people closest to them (i.e. your own family) is fucking ridiculous. Fuck. That. Let me tell you, you are not doing a very good job [at life], if you don't put the right kind of care in the right place. Stop giving sandwiches to homeless people and make one for your whoever-the-fuck-you-care-about-most every once in a while. Jesus. Do you really need to be told to do this?

That's okay, we all need to be reminded to do all sorts of obvious shit. Now get to it.

Anyways, even though I have and I guess I always will have these dreams and fantasies and hopes of all the things I wish would be done for me, I don't really know what I would say if I were asked to explain what those are. I know they're there and I think about them, but it's kind of like when you are being asked "What are you thinking about?" and that always makes my mind go completely blank. Must be some sort of safety mechanism. That or the handful of times when I have had a person ask me that question, there would have been all sorts of fucked up socially awkward shit coming out of my face, that for everyone's sake, I am going to stick with "Nothing."

While I am not working towards getting over my own issues of expressing myself in a clear and easy-to-understand way, I like to work towards doing fun stuff for others. I know that while I should probably stop sometimes and go "Hey, fuck you. Stop being a selfish dick and return the favor. I want you to do this and that and ohmygod why don't you ever take out the trash or remember my birthday?! I am so mad right now that I could pee my pants, if I hadn't gone peepee in the toilet a moment ago. >:(" But here's the thing. I would feel like a complete douche doing this. It's not even that though, I just don't want to do it like that.

Let's face it everybody, it's so much better to have someone return a favor or pay you back without your having to specifically ask for it - asking sort of defeats the purpose (in this case). I'm not saying people should learn to read your mind and magically know what you want and when you want it. I'm not even saying you should never (have to) ask for anything, I'm just saying that 'random acts of kindness' are a whole different thing than "Would you please give me a foot massage, because I have had to walk a million miles and my sweaty feet smell like I've had them up my bum all day?" But honestly, if you can bother just a tiny fucking bit, you can definitely figure out at least some of the stuff people really like and it's not that hard to use that information to score some points. So, what is this, a fucking competition?

Not really. It's just one of these things I really love to do as well as a bunch of other things I love to do all bundled up together and while simple, one would hope that it comes across how I do not mean my oversimplifications to be taken literally. I wrote this whole thing because of how one of the dreams (ideas) I've had stuck in my head had something to do with hotel rooms, sexy lingerie and a phone call along the lines of "Meet me in random-room-number in an hour", and how detrimental these things can be to people under various circumstances, somehow it doesn't seem to fit anywhere along with how my lack of belief in "happy endings" does not rule out all these potentially life changing events that could unfold with a simple, yet eloquent, "Yes."

Words have a way of getting away from me, like time and what have you.

Tietäjä

"Koska muori meni naimisiin?"

"Mmitä? Miks mää tietäisin tollasia?"

"KOSKA SÄÄ TIEDÄT ASIOITA!! Kerro nyt."

" ... Siis koska se meni naimisiin vai? Se oli 17, mutta en tiedä koska se oli 17."

"Noni! Just sitä tarkotin. Miks sää tiedät tälläsiä?"

"En tiedä."

Reverse

i suppose there are people who never feel happy
as there are people who never
have children, fall in love, find themselves, overcome their fears or stop feeling shame and regret for the mistakes they made that made them who they are and learn to forgive themselves
and i wonder if there is a secret to their unhappiness