[headphones]

umbilical chord, cord, cordial, ah
souvenir, from years, for years

leaning towards the right
oh the ears

around the neck

soundwaves like spears


untangle this mess, ah
veritable train wreck

Matching quote

"A gentleman doesn't pounce ... he glides. If a woman sits on a piece of furniture which permits your sitting beside her, you are free to regard this as an invitation, though not an unequivocal one."

relations[; hips] & fishing

like a dog chasing cars;
what would i do if i ever caught one?

plenty of fish in the sea

that is my, disinterest in [g]
you r being
boring

and i have respect for your keeping at bay


and wasn't it einstein who defined
insanity as repeating the same experiment expecting
different results?

Soul searching

Nothing here; dégagez

Mistaking apathy for affection

[Why are we] programmed to only look for evidence to support our
misconceptions
misinterpretations

question mark

Logbook entry 120922

After 21 years of not wearing pjs, I have anchored in a perpetual state of pajamaland.

been a child a dozen times
childhood slipped through my hands, every time
through finger tips pointing at the things i wanted
thinking i needed

tongue-tied, pursing lips to form the words
grimaces to enunciate, accentuate

you start over, pick up something new
brush up; revise; forget and learn anew
unlearn / ing

so many rules to remember
so difficult to switch back and forth
[why is it ?

never less demanding to slow down, baby steps
try to forget, somewhere else you could run
here you must first learn to crawl
stumble and fall
learn to pick yourself up

sitting still can feel the wind in my hair
through  finger tips pointing at the things i wanted
pursing lips; grimaces
tongue-tied starting over
unlearning so many rules to remember
never less demanding

learn to slow down

"We're [me and my brother X] kinda like you and Chesty on your nightly adventures, except we also speak French together."

"Yea... Ouais, on parle français avec mes... I can't fucking remember, my French is all rusty after not having used it in years."

"Tes frères et soeurs ?"

"Yeah, totally."

Drinking chocolate sauce from chocolate goblets; crunchy chocolates shaped like roses, bunnies, walnuts and barrels. Two of each and the taste of cherries.

Movies, cramped up on a tiny couch full of stuff; emptying it out together.

Period blood everywhere.

"This is just a dream, it has to be, but why can't I wake up and does everything feel so real?" stops the panic from setting in. Why am I washing my hair in this person's bathroom instead of trying to clean up the mess?

And why was I in such a hurry I forgot my shoes in the school bathroom only to have Paula's younger brother throw them in the toilet. Those leather shoes are never going to be shoes again.

in an ideal world

It wouldn't be weird to say, You're pretty aggressive, you know. Inappropriately so, but I'm not complaining. Pulling your chair right up against me. Always standing way too close. Leaning in over my shoulder in silent agreement over the obvious.

There's no harm in smelling nice and being friendly.

Really, in an ideal world I could be vocal about it and deal with the consequences.

I'm sorry

Well, hey. I do miss the talks we used to have but no matter how sad the past sometimes makes me I wouldn't: respond
reach out; pull your hands away

stop.

not tears of sadness so much as they bring relief- i am running towards loneliness.
you(r words) are not going with me.

Friendship

I've spent a great deal of time not at all understanding it. I don't know how much of it was fear of commitment to my immediate surroundings and all sorts of nightmare-like scenarios in my head slowing me down. I'm still not too confident in saying I have fully grasped even the few characters that I have cast to play the roles of my friends on this great stage of life, but I don't feel as lost anymore. I have at least learned to distinguish some of the patterns and even if I don't really understand the rules behind them completely, it helps in playing my part some of the time. Sometimes I forget my lines though.

The dreadful realization I have made looking at the bigger picture is that these people shape my existence to a greater extent than I would ever have imagined. I'd like to say it's kind of nice too, but I can't. Not right now anyway. I'm okay with it for the most part though. I just need to figure out how to deal with it or maybe what I need to figure out is that there's nothing to deal with in the first place. I'd be okay with that really.

I'm usually pretty okay with how things are.

But really, I don't know how to deal with all the countless variables and the potential butterfly effect of a retarded joke snowballing my life out of control. Especially when I'm way too lazy at clearing up obvious misconceptions and thrive on a bit of chaos. I do have one wish. Please don't ruin my life. I'd like to think that is a reasonable thing to ask and I am asking nicely.

Thank you for your co-operation.

There are countless easier ways to get me to leave

I'm not joking when I say there are brief moments here and there when I am absolutely terrified of completely and utterly losing my mind. Maybe it's a contributing factor to why I don't do drugs.

The kind of silent terror that sweeps over you in a cold wave like the nightmares you have where you try screaming for help, but your mouth freezes open and nothing comes out. The kind of helplessness you experience when you finally accept that no one can really save you from yourself.

Maybe it's not so bad; maybe having a mind of your own is nothing more than one of those things we're accustomed to having and can do without anyway.

I would never admit it, if you asked me, so don't.

It's just growing pains; just growing pains

I know I only want what I can't have and the only reason I keep coming back for more is because you keep saying no. Don't say Yes just yet.

I've never been more miserable in my life; never felt more alive.

Every time you turn me down a part of me dies.

I know I should go, but no rationalization over this will help me save face and walk away.

I need another mistake that will either make me or break me.

There's a sick longing to crack the foundation of my very being; undo everything I've spent so long carefully building.

I can't even tell if I am hurting because you are or because of you; if there is, ever was, a difference.

Just because it's a mistake doesn't mean it's not worth making; because it's difficult doesn't mean it's not worth pursuing. Because it's reckless and stupid should be enough to stop me, but. I can't keep my hands to myself, can't deny myself the sharp sting of your words and I am terrified by the excitement and thrill of completely destroying myself over nothing.

I guess I might see you on the other side,

what could possibly go wrong?

If it fits, it may as well have been intentional. and

if it wasn't, what's the harm in a little play pretend?

what i mean is, how are you going to know your limits, unless you go too far?

On being a creep

The more I stop to think about being romantic and creepiness and how fine the line between the two is, the more horrified I become to realize what a creep lives inside me. On the upside, it helps me in appreciating the creepy gestures I've witnessed and heard other people commit. Like when I realized that cancer is simply your body's production of new cells going overboard and AIDS is not a horrible boogeyman eating you from the inside, but your natural defence system shutting down.

It's really not as bad as people make it out to be.

Half the time I don't know how to separate the two, because really, I don't see the difference.

Hey, buying people plant vaginas is okay!

And yet, the very thought of staring at a sleeping person makes me so incredibly uncomfortable. Why would you do that?

As much as I'm sure there are situations in which fear is a useful reaction in your body, it's much more of an inconvenience a lot of the time. I want to (want to) understand why people are so scared, but ... the indifference and distance are making it overly demanding to finish this thought.

[like when] I always get sweaty hands and my body starts caving in at the most incovenient times. It's funny, I don't think anybody notices unless they [have to] take my hand. There's something endearing about a person who takes it like a man - being either party, but then you would only know if you've been there. I have! and they will never know this, because I wouldn't know how to be subtly creepy about it; not a forte of mine.

standing at a harbor. there were lots and lots of people around and everything looked like one of those disney fairy tale endings, with green hills and everybody's living their happily ever after, except instead of a cartoon picture real green hills and fields and a blue blue sky on a warm summer's afternoon. the harbor i was at was really more like a dirt road by the seaside than a harbor and there was a tunnel of sorts at the top of a little hill if you walked a little further along the road - it looked sort of as if you'd end up inside a ruined castle, if you walked through it, but really you didn't. the road just ended there entirely and you'd fall in the water if you kept walking. it looked sort of like something had taken a huge bite out of the ground right there and whatever used to be there was gone now.

i had to jump over this sort of creek making a "hole" in the ground or road, if you will, while i approached the tunnel. lots and lots of people had gathered around to see what was going on. eva longoria was there with me or at least she was the only person i recognized in the crowd and she was my friend or whatever you want to call it. we were there, sort of talking to each other, or acknowledged each other anyway and exchanged some words about what was going on.

the sun was setting and it was hard to get past all these people, but eva helped me jump over the "hole" in the ground so i wouldn't fall in the water. not that it looked deep or cold or anything. in fact, i'm pretty sure if you'd fallen in, it would have been very warm and nice, but i didn't want to do that. i wanted to get closer to the edge where the ground ended to see "it" before the sun set entirely. couldn't really get too close to the edge with all those people standing there.

you should have seen it. the sky stopped being blue there. it was like someone had taken watercolors and fingerpainted the sky in a billion colors with paint dripping all across the horizon and it was the prettiest thing ever. bright yellow with some black spots like freckles and lines shooting across the sky like fireworks. i wanted so badly to take pictures of it before the sun set and it was all gone, but all i had was a lousy throwaway camera and for the life of me i could not make my hands move fast enough to take as many pictures as i wanted.

***

i was driving out in the cold and snow in our shitty old car, right down the hill past my old school and by the theater. it was getting dark outside. the light always turns red right before you arrive at the intersection so you have to stop - that is, you have to, if there are cars in front of you. otherwise you speed up and drive even though you know you aren't supposed to. but that's just stupid and a waste of time and it's not like anybody cares anyway. but now there were cars in front of me and it was slippery and even though i wasn't going very fast and i hit the breaks as hard as i could, i crashed into the car in front of me with the force of a thousand suns (not really, i just felt like saying that, because of how funny it sounds, "the force of a thousand suns", english is a funny language that way). i swear i still feel like i had actually been in that car crash, even though it never happened.

nobody really got hurt. i wasn't even wearing my seat belt, but i was fine. the sound was terrible though - the car hitting the one in front - metal wrinkling and glass breaking and it felt like i had torn a hole into the fabric that was the world. i didn't know what to do. i always have these dreams, whenever i dream of being behind the wheel. the breaks just don't work or i lose control over the car. before i ever got a license, i used to have dreams that started out with me sitting in the backseat of my dad's car, looking out the window. always in the backseat, looking out the window. sometimes i was alone, sometimes there were others in the car with me. but i was always in the backseat and i would glance around the car to realize no one was driving. the car was driving by itself on a straight road in a desert with nothing around, just a straight road. realizing that no one was driving, instead of panicking i climbed over the seats and took the wheel not even considering anything could go wrong. and it didn't. i took the wheel and knew exactly what to do and everything was fine.

now all i dream about is crashing the car or losing control over it. so much so that after crashing into that car in front of me at the lights and completely wrecking it, probably both of them, i hit at least two other cars while trying to park to call someone to get me out of this mess.

woke up to my mom asking me if i'd like to go to germany with some random dude to get a car.

i said no.

Bullseye

Sometimes I get drunk and make pancakes and my aim improves by just that much.

Maybe I do have the potential to understand why people abuse to feel better.

yeah you know what i'm saying

"This is where I'd put my huge vagina monologue of how much I love you, if I wasn't saving that for the honeymoon, if you know what I am saying."

This is a pretty egomaniacal way of putting it, but

I could sit around all day hoping for my dreams to come true or
i can spend some of that time becoming other people's dreams

or making them;

whatever, really

So, here's a thought

I have these dreams, fantasies, if you will, and they're weird. Really, what I mean is I bet they are very typical and common among people and that everybody has them. I don't believe in fate or destiny or think, at all, that there are two people who were made for each other and are meant to be. There's no "perfect match" that will complete you or a perfect first kiss that will lead to a happily ever after. That's bullshit.

But I do like toying with the idea that I could know someone well enough to figure out and understand (remember) what really makes them tick; those small things that you can do for someone and it will put a big grin on their face and even after they stop smiling on the outside, they're going to feel good, pleased, happy, content and hey, why the hell not: loved. Makes me genuinely happy and feel good about myself, too, when I can do or say just the right thing, at the right time, and get a positive reaction from someone I really care about. Sometimes it's nice to do nice things for people you don't know at all, but really, that doesn't seem very meaningful to me. The fact that some people are eager to donate money to charities and do volunteer work thinking that makes them better people, while they are actively shitting on the people closest to them (i.e. your own family) is fucking ridiculous. Fuck. That. Let me tell you, you are not doing a very good job [at life], if you don't put the right kind of care in the right place. Stop giving sandwiches to homeless people and make one for your whoever-the-fuck-you-care-about-most every once in a while. Jesus. Do you really need to be told to do this?

That's okay, we all need to be reminded to do all sorts of obvious shit. Now get to it.

Anyways, even though I have and I guess I always will have these dreams and fantasies and hopes of all the things I wish would be done for me, I don't really know what I would say if I were asked to explain what those are. I know they're there and I think about them, but it's kind of like when you are being asked "What are you thinking about?" and that always makes my mind go completely blank. Must be some sort of safety mechanism. That or the handful of times when I have had a person ask me that question, there would have been all sorts of fucked up socially awkward shit coming out of my face, that for everyone's sake, I am going to stick with "Nothing."

While I am not working towards getting over my own issues of expressing myself in a clear and easy-to-understand way, I like to work towards doing fun stuff for others. I know that while I should probably stop sometimes and go "Hey, fuck you. Stop being a selfish dick and return the favor. I want you to do this and that and ohmygod why don't you ever take out the trash or remember my birthday?! I am so mad right now that I could pee my pants, if I hadn't gone peepee in the toilet a moment ago. >:(" But here's the thing. I would feel like a complete douche doing this. It's not even that though, I just don't want to do it like that.

Let's face it everybody, it's so much better to have someone return a favor or pay you back without your having to specifically ask for it - asking sort of defeats the purpose (in this case). I'm not saying people should learn to read your mind and magically know what you want and when you want it. I'm not even saying you should never (have to) ask for anything, I'm just saying that 'random acts of kindness' are a whole different thing than "Would you please give me a foot massage, because I have had to walk a million miles and my sweaty feet smell like I've had them up my bum all day?" But honestly, if you can bother just a tiny fucking bit, you can definitely figure out at least some of the stuff people really like and it's not that hard to use that information to score some points. So, what is this, a fucking competition?

Not really. It's just one of these things I really love to do as well as a bunch of other things I love to do all bundled up together and while simple, one would hope that it comes across how I do not mean my oversimplifications to be taken literally. I wrote this whole thing because of how one of the dreams (ideas) I've had stuck in my head had something to do with hotel rooms, sexy lingerie and a phone call along the lines of "Meet me in random-room-number in an hour", and how detrimental these things can be to people under various circumstances, somehow it doesn't seem to fit anywhere along with how my lack of belief in "happy endings" does not rule out all these potentially life changing events that could unfold with a simple, yet eloquent, "Yes."

Words have a way of getting away from me, like time and what have you.

Tietäjä

"Koska muori meni naimisiin?"

"Mmitä? Miks mää tietäisin tollasia?"

"KOSKA SÄÄ TIEDÄT ASIOITA!! Kerro nyt."

" ... Siis koska se meni naimisiin vai? Se oli 17, mutta en tiedä koska se oli 17."

"Noni! Just sitä tarkotin. Miks sää tiedät tälläsiä?"

"En tiedä."

Reverse

i suppose there are people who never feel happy
as there are people who never
have children, fall in love, find themselves, overcome their fears or stop feeling shame and regret for the mistakes they made that made them who they are and learn to forgive themselves
and i wonder if there is a secret to their unhappiness