Fuck you all, Christmas lovers

[...]

P.S. I also hate birthdays.

"I wouldn't mind this lasting forever"

Not only is such a statement illogical, it's probably one of the worst things I can imagine anyone say to me. The thought of someone enjoying something with me involved in it so much that I would have to stand them for an eternity; of something never ending. Six words that cling to you, chaining you down until you lose your will to live; wearing you out.

Like being in a relationship with someone you did not want to commit to in any way. All you could think of doing was shouting get the fuck out of my house, get the fuck out my internet and my kitchen and off my bed.

Thoughts on urges;

completely destroying everything. [...] how much damage could I really cause by saying something?

I'll inevitably explore unknown waters disregarding any voice of reason whatsoever. This has made me a sad panda in the past, but it has also created countless exciting, life-changing experiences, which seems to be the best excuse I have for my idiotic behavior.

I'll see you all in...

I go to a pretty awesome school

Well, lying is fun sometimes.

I don't believe this, except in some cases. This isn't one of them.
I did it anyway.

Hello, you.

The ultimate dudes' dude

If I were a guy, I'd be one of those individuals considered to be disgusting for scratching their balls in front of others and drinking straight from the milk carton. I'd have dirty messy hair and I'd wear the same clothes for weeks on end. I'd be lazy to shower as personal hygiene is overrated anyways. I'd drink beer.

I'd also be more homosexual than you.

Did I forget to mention glasses? I would totally fucking wear glasses.

Slowing down and relaxing when I should speed up and hurry

I'm in love with things that are untouchable, non-material, never achievable and those are your words, the thoughts of another, the unknown; maybe simply the whole idea of love itself.

Those short moments that redifine everything right here and now.

Thinking you've found something you weren't looking for after you've lost track of what you were trying to find for so long.

Smiles.

The two seconds a look took longer than felt appropriate.

It was time for my final exams and although it's impossible for one to take three of them on the same day, this is what happened to me and I didn't think it was weird at all; not even when it was biology, math and literature and I'm not even going to take the math exam.

Funnily enough I knew the math and biology, but forgot to answer the questions on literature and after returning my answers I was leaving and remembered turning in an empty sheet of paper. What pissed me off the most was that there were only three questions on literature. I had to answer two of them and the first assignement was actually to write a poem of your own, so there was really no way you could fail at it as you could come up with the answer instead of having to know something.

I panicked so badly about failing high school and/or literature that when I tried to tell one of my literature teachers about what had happened and ask if there was something we could do to fix the situation, I started crying so much I couldn't really produce any sensible speech. Another of my literature teachers showed up and stood there staring without saying anything on the matter. My English teacher gave me two math assignements and told me to do them over every single day to learn them by heart and said it would fix everything.

Anything lasting forever might be terrible

Making room for a certain someone from time to time is one of the best things I know, if not the best. We must explore our limits so that we will hopefully at least someday know some of what we don't know about ourselves, if it's too difficult to get to know who we are entirely. I'm trying not to destroy others in the process. ////

I was at the library wearing a toga, looking for a book and a couple stopped me. We sat down at one of the tables in the kids books section and they tried to get me interested in working for the congregation. I listened, the man stood up and walked to the window as he kept talking about all the endless possibilities of what I could do. I wanted to laugh and mock him, but instead I sat silently waiting for him to finish.

He sat back down, I looked at him and said there was no fucking way I would ever work for them. He asked why, looking shocked as if everyone he'd ever given this speech to had said yes and there was no other way. I explained how much I despise religion and probably put extra effort into trying to offend him on the side.

I stood up and walked to the library restrooms, took off my toga and started painting my hands and arms with a thick layer of black nailpolish. I then proceeded to cover back up in the big pink cloth I had used as a toga.

The ticking time bomb

There are times when I want to explode. To explode from excitement, disgust, rage, contentment, love. If having certain characteristics and behaviors is valuable to be avoided, it's not necessarily a bad thing to still possess/execute them. I wish I remembered this and didn't loathe myself so much at times for making all the mistakes I do.

I require justification and explanations to forgive (myself). But when I'm suddenly stuck with one that doesn't meet my criteria of a reasonable excuse, there will be hell fire and soul-piercing icicles. Torment that knows no boundaries.

It's amazing how good I am at creating illusions... ones that I may believe more than the people I've created them for; to amaze, entertain. Oh, have I got a show for you, boys and girls, another story for another time.

People disgust me

Everything is about compromise.

You will get stomped on unless you beat the living shit out of them first.

Being nice is no use; be a douche instead.

Laugh.

Die alone.

Repeat if necessary.

Tears of joy, tears worn proudly

Even when it's mostly a fuck-up, it's much better than I expected and I didn't use a dictionary to achieve it. I'm sorry I didn't learn all the obvious shit I was supposed to, but I promise I've learned it now! 70 points and I'm getting there.

Scents of life

Sometimes people smell so intoxicating I want nothing more than to sink into their smell so much the whole world fades. Even when such a feeling seems to consume every part of my body, I'm able to feel like throwing up at the very thought of anyone being anywhere near me.

It's rather saddening to be full of desire to tell people about their incredibly awesome traits and characteristics, but being unable to unleash all that when you know it would only cause a terrible mess, since people have the tendency to take things the wrong way and read more into a compliment than should be. I tried not to care for a long time, but now it simply doesn't seem worth it to go through all the trouble.

So all of it goes unsaid.

But maybe it's my fault for giving any of it such great importance, I should perhaps learn not to care so much about anything.

Cozy feelings of inadequacy

Thinking about what I mean with words that could mean so many things, I wonder how much I could ever understand anyone who uses the same words I do, but give them different meaning, or how much I'll ever be able to understand myself.

Nothing is more frightening than the dreadful thought of tomorrow, yet nothing more is as exciting, nothing more is worth such great expectance.

Forgetfulness may lead to destruction

Every statement has a whole world behind it and all my explaining is a sign of my lack of trust in your ability to see beyond anything I say. Maybe it's become an obsession due to my own bad vision. I don't assume people comprehend a thing when they nod yes. I don't count on there being any reliable connection between their expressions and understanding. I see broken powerlines swinging about; glimpses of light that will eventually disappear.

It's wonderful to have the skill to paint captivating sceneries and compose enchanting melodies. What happens when the ones on the receiving end discover they've been hanging the paintings upside-down and playing the records the wrong way round?

Biologies

I'm taking biology, because I'm a science freak and by science freak I mean I want to make sweet sweet love to you for looking so undeniably sexy. Oh, is that a computer and you know machinecode? Pardon me as I undress. So... you also kind of turn me on when you speak in weird languages I don't understand that well.

Self-inflicted extreme displeasure

Whenever a performance of any kind goes well, I'm very pleased. Today is one of those days that started out with a panicky stress-filled atmosphere and maybe even with a tiny bit of fear in the air, yet ended with a relaxing sensation at the front of class while I clearly knew what I was talking about and talked as if I really, truly, sincerely cared... about animal testing and the wrongs of the world in general. This all took place after this morning's gym class and ditching half of my literature class (for great justice).

When your old yet charismatic Swedish teacher fills an entire class room with his enormous ego, he somehow manages to irradiate a special kind of warmth on a cool and foggy late afternoon. The same person you've managed to have an incredibly sick, disturbing dream about earlier the same semester is still able to make you chuckle in your front row seat with jokes I'm sure someone might find offensive. Not everyone likes him, but nobody's liked by everybody, and I still admire the old chap even though my arrogance allows me to question him in the depths of my mind from time to time. Sometimes I'm sure it's merely an attitude that comes with age - you feel the need to get up and say "Hey, mister, you don't know everything, even though you act like you own the place" but you never follow through with this act, because you know he'd tell you to sit back on your ass or throw you out of class adding he damn well knows what he's talking about after over 40 years of doing his job well. He does a great job; an excellent one, in fact. He's quite possibly the only Swedish teacher to ever teach me a damned thing and he doesn't hesitate when you ask him something, he tells you the answer and you had better accept it for what it is. He's the type of person who'll put you down, but you can't hate him for it and when he states how a phrase is cute after he's instructed you on how to form it perfectly all you feel like doing is cuddling him.

Very, very, very disturbing indeed. I feel like washing both my mouth and hands now for typing that.

The silence that binds us, ties us tightly together
want to play a game that doesn't exist (to begin) with
rules that haven't been formed yet
reformed; deformed
playful thoughts forming elaborate details

Hetkinä hiljaisina hukun sanoihin moniin, upottaudun ajatusten mereen, ajaudun tunteiden satamasta jonnekin missä tuuli kuiskii suolaisia salaisuuksia, joita en kykene sisäistämään. Unohdun jotenkin itseeni, takerrun kiinni menneeseen kuin pohjattomasta vedestä nousevat pilarit tietämättä mistä ne tulevat tai miksi ne siinä ovat. Pelkään menettäneeni kykyni uida. ja mitä jos en enää muista miten kellutaan;

Unohdus lyö ylitseni kuin massiiviset aallot, jotka nielevät kaiken; hukuttavat.
ei ihme etten löydä mitään täällä. Mieleni tekee huutaa, mutta kukaan ei kuule ja avaruus on liian suuri kantaakseen sanojani sen laitamille. on ikävä kotiin ja vesi kylmää.

Kärsivällisyyttä ei riitä kaikille
minä uneksin matkoista maailman ääriin
kasvoistasi vielä silloinkin, kun
en voi enää kuulla ääntäsi mieleni sopukoissa

Can you find yourself beneath the mountain of what you are?

Window cleaning season

Mind games, word games
strategy, brain exercise

learning to spell, spill
starving to death until
count with me
one, two, four and a half
.59

a story, the telling on mute
eyes water worlds flood
frivolities; set me free

when the inappropriate rides you the apocalypse swallows the world nothing happens you stand still staple my eyes shut wanting to see hear find levels of different the same since yesterday forgetting what day it is your name yellow the sea of melody burying you burning like the charcoal you are
++++ffgggh
i told you so told me over and over again the worst ideas are too easily excecutable too tempting and you don't Christal i've always seen right through you

humility, oh no not again

i hate this class

ingenious accidents, i let

define

life

senseless words stitched together like
dismembered limbs like
spare parts rejected by the
wreck you are

(Sometimes) you forget

Feeling sorry isn't going change what's already been done
there's no stopping what's already begun

They say you can't imagine the voice, but
if you listen closely enough you can still hear it when it's gone

Kiintymyksen kerrostalo

Enkä ole väsynyt tänäänkään, en koskaan halukkaampi taipumaan odotuksiin ja pyyntöihin. En halua kieltäytyä enkä halua olla kanssasi samaa mieltä. Kaikki ei ole täysin vastenmielistä, joskus asiat vain tuntuvat käsittämättömän vaikeilta, koska sinä asut jossain muualla enkä minä tiedä asunko missään tai merkitseekö koti mitään.

Rajoja on vaikea rikkoa, kun ne ovat näkymättömiä ja on hukannut silmälasinsa. Luodinkestäviä lasiseiniä jotka meidät erottavat ei voi särkeä paljain käsin. Äänieristykset tukahduttavat huudot, mutta ehkä voimme oppia viittomakieltä; lukea huulilta. Hiljaisuudessa sureminen ei onnistu, jos aina erehtyy unohtamaan. Ja minä näen vain sinut, mutta en kykene muistamaan kuka olet tai miksi sinua pidin merkityksellisenä.

Elämää kartoittaessa

Olisipa jo kylmä ja pimeä, löytäisinpä kotiin.

Shave my brain and bleach my hair

Unable to tell whether it's you or me I'm studying
the only one i may learn something about is
Myself and
what does that even mean?

I AM CLAY
MATERIA IN A SHAPE
WHAT IS (THIS)
SHAPE CALLED I DON'T KNOW
THE NAME
INTERNATIONAL
HAND SIGNS, SYMBOLS
THIS IS++++++++++

No recollection

it's not blackmail
when you don't give me what i want and i find something else
it's called adjusting and
when it's not there it's not missing i've just
misplaced it
maybe i've replaced it
i'm not silent and i'm not sad i'm
thinking
re-
calculating, adapting
oh why isn't it called morphing, why is it
always growing
i don't believe in lots of things, not many
not in getting it right the first time around yet
looking for the answer behind the first door if only
to see what all the world has to offer, i have
nothing but all these keys and what to do with them
Endless possibilities...
looking for the perfect lock to crack, code to break
how are you encrypted

Vain yhtä epäolennaista kuin

Pyrkimyksiä ei ole ja halukkuutta tallella puolta vähemmän. Ei leikitä, sillä valettuna betoniin ei jaksa paljoa naurattaa. Turhuutta kaikki ja se turhamaisuus syö elävältä, miksi minua on vielä näin paljon jäljellä? Jos osaisin, säveltäisin. Säveltäisin sieluni ruvelle, soittaisin sormeni verille.

Kuuntelen korvani kuuroiksi, kulutan aivoni puhki pääsemättä minnekään, mutta en edes tiedä, mitä etsin tai minne matkustan. Jokainen askel, niin tarpeellinen, vie eteenpäin; kuljettaa tästä tuonpuoleiseen ja se, odottaako siellä jotain on epäolennaista.

Is it profit-time yet? Because it sure feels like it

Loving yourself works like any other economy.

You disgust me, I only worship the (non-)material.

Before hello

Conversations had backwards
held my hand without touching it
touched without trying
where layers of skin unfold,
fingers tenderly compose
dancing silently on the keys of our very existence
poised, this enigma

How does one stay intact without tearing at the seams when all is clashes creating the most grotesque and sublime simultaneously? It's a fever only you know, therefore only you lack the proper vocabulary;
Synonyms are not.

Your thesaurus can only provide me with shades approaching a color that does not exist. your crayons are invalid.

Unfinished beginnings

is it that we grow to become what we are
are we but by-products, because i,
i miss the unproductivity of producing beauty
clashing into a not-from-this-world,
perplexity, a land of confusion
the warm eruption and soft touch of thought
abstractions, metaphors
landscapes of the Neverending

[...]

longing for your prepositions, predicates
i'm, i, we, you, pronouns entangled in
all that untouchable

Ennen kaikkea

Uusi vuosi, uudet kujeet vai päädynkö toistamaan samoja virheitä uudelleen? Koskaan en ole mitään oppinut ja nyt on vaikea aloittaa. En kunnioita sinua. Väitteesi on epäkorrekti, kuten sinäkin. Käsitteistösi on pölyssä ja sanavarastosi päivityksen tarpeessa. Kuka helvetti sinä edes olet? Kielioppini on vääräoppista, asenteeni rampautunut jo kauan sitten ja kasvan kieroon.

[...]

Joka päivä, päivästä toiseen; auringon palaessa loppuun en ole täällä enää. Sinäkin kuihdut pois kauan ennen sitä.

[...]

Määritelmiä voi aina muuttaa, asioita voi sivuuttaa ja unohtaa. En usko täydellisyyteen, uskon tyytyväisyyteen. En usko. Tulen, nautin, lähden. Unohdan. Ei minua kiinnosta.

The unfixable truth of nothing

We grow tired
to rest and strive again
to become full
feast once more
lose ourselves for
the thrill of finding something dear
throw things away to make room for
you
take up so much space
whisper in our thoughts to
fill a void we've created ourselves
one we allowed to form

I would rather. you.
than.


tell me what you want think you know
i don't think i know anything
whatever i realized earlier today, i've now forgotten

[...]

I'd much rather experience it than the reason beneath.
oh if i could fly i would
sink, i would, drink some more

[...]


let it build, accumulate
stew, brew, hm. mmmmm.

You comprise me

The whole comprises the parts.
The parts are comprised by the whole.

[...]

Every pair of eyes met in one day, and I don't even miss you anymore. I simply wouldn't mind you there, here, present. wherever, really.

A cat is fine, too, like the feline clawing my hand off in last night's dream. I cut my hair and looked after a child. hm. Leaving is as difficult as getting started.

[...]

One more time

Your words are the finest chocolate leaving me drooling, hoping to lick them off your lips while you whisper them into the darkness. My hunger grows with every syllable. I don't read looks, expressions, I am consumed by them, your entire essence. Let me sink into every inch of you, let your touch, smell, self linger a while longer. Don't tell me what I want to hear most, who the fuck cares what you say as long as you're producing speech. Patiently waiting for sweet death, every second feels like an eternity. What's taking you so long; don't ever move faster. If I don't feel anything maybe you'll feel this, because when it feels so good it hurts a little it's better than anything else. I don't know what's going on anymore; can't tell shades from scents with your stare tickling my neck. Fuck manuals, instructions are only slowing me down; let me.

The familiar feeling of physical sickness takes over: I know what I want and I know what I need and I know they're two entirely different things and you're something else, you're like everybody else. Adjectives exist to describe you and your ways, but it all tastes better without verbally violating it. You might end up having to scrape me off the floor. Shovel me into your tomb, I'm dying to explore your insides.

I promise not to drink and drive ever again


you save me.

Unfinished

The tentacles of my world of thought will penetrate your every orifice bringing you both pleasure and pain, creating a monstrosity never before seen.

[...]

I may experience difficulties following (the) rules.

Lähtöä tehdessä

En kyllä tiedä minne olen menossa, ihan kuin en tiennyt eilenkään. Tiesin joskus jotakin tai ainakin luulin tietäväni, mutta saattaahan se olla säälittävää löytää jonkinlaista lohdullisuutta kaikesta siitäkin vääryydestä. Olemme naiveja yhdessä, koska yksin en kuulemma voi olla mitään. Yksin lakkaisin olemasta. Haluaisin olla olematta. Se voisi olla jännittävää, kaikessa paradoksaalisuudessaan. Ole sinäkin jännittävä, sillä en jaksaisi tätä monotoonisuutta päivästä toiseen. Tosin en jaksa paljoa oikein mitään, enkä oikein sinuakaan, mutta niinhän ei sovi sanoa, koska sosiaaliset suhteemme rakentuvat antiikkisista riippusilloista ja niillä hyppiminen johtaa turmioon. En osaa lentää.

Samaan aikaan tahtoisin sanoa kaiken ja en yhtään mitään, mutta ehkäpä halajankin vain mahdotonta siitä syystä, että en sitä voi saada tai haluaisin haluta jotain enkä aina vain ei-mitään, minkä seurauksena kärkyn sellaisten asioiden perään, joita en joudukaan saamaan. Saaminen on vierasta ja kaikessa jännittävyydessään mahdollisesti erittäin epämiellyttävää ja nöyryyttävää. Nöyrtyminen vie voimaa ja energiaa, sitä jota tarvitaan huutamiseen ja maailman valloittamiseen. En tosin halua maailmaa valloittaa, haluaisin vain että pitäisit sen turpasi kiinni, koska sinulla ei ole yhtään sen enempää sanottavaa kuin minullakaan. Lainaten läheistäni "Samahan se on, mitä teet" ja niin edespäin. Tee siis.

Oh, we reap what we sow and...

We're not here.
There are only words
Words by you, words by me.
There are thoughts, there are lost ideas, and they are found.
Sentences, phrases, concepts that tie together
forming a web, building a bridge between us.
Oh, my highway of desire, passion, love

Oh the humility

Sinking. i am sinking like a battleship.
drowning like a fat man in a swamp.

Loppu taitaa olla matkalla

onhan se vähän hassua kun
kaiken tämän jälkeen huomaa
olevansa menestyneempi kuin voisi uskoa
ja sitä miettii,
kuinka voikin olla onnekas
koskahan tämä kierre päättyy;
koska laiva uppoaa
kone putoaa

en muuta oikein odottanutkaan
mutta tässäkö se sitten oli
eikö minulla ole -
Ei.

eilinen epätoivonen
tämä päivä epäuskoinen, jos
huomenna kaikki olisi ohi
en osannut

TAASKAAN

onhan se vähän...




hassua.

Time as a subjective experience

Ha. yea. whatever.







I was on a pleasant walk through the flourishing park of thought and I lost track. pause, play, stop, eject, fast-forward, backspace, rewind, replay, what. I want to play with your choo-choo train. I'm running in circles, crawling now.
It's not like that.



The chills you send down my spine, as if you were still here.

I'll see you again. I promise. The lighting will be different and you may not wear a smile, but you'll have that familiar stare and I know who you are. I'll tie my arms around you like I tie my shoelaces; messy, fast, loose, all over the place.

aina tekee mieli puhua, vaikka ei ole mitään sanottavaa
eikä uskalla silloin, kun olisi asiaa
silloinkin on liian helppo puhua joutavia

Voisit varastaa mun sielun ja sanat jos vahingossa avaisin suuni.
Jos mulla olis sielu.
Jos mulla olis sanat.
Jos mulla olis suu.

Varastit mun sielun ja sanat ja mun suun.
Mutta huijasin sua.

Jos mulla olis sielu ja sanat ja mun suu.
Jos mulla olis sut.

Mutta oivalsin sut.

Jos mulla olis oivallus.
Jos mulla olis sut.

Mulla on sielu ja mun sanat ja sun suu.
Ja saan tehdä sillä ihan mitä vaa.

Jäit kiinni.
Mulla on sun sielu ja sanat ja sun suu.
Mulla on sut.

Et voi karata kun et tiedä olevasi vanki.