What separates you from the animals

All of the ironically wifey preferences I may have, there's just something you have that no one else I know does:

suicidal tendencies

Mommy 2.0

I'm like any other guy looking for a substitute to their mother. someone who will cook and clean for me, make my bed but also give me orgasms.

So in a way, an upgrade.

Something about hands I can't get past.

When I can't sleep, I may stare at mine in the dark exploring their silhouette in the light that manages to get into my room. I like to grow my nails real long to see what it feels like when they dig into my palms when I make a fist; then cut them back really short and it feels funny not to have anything to scratch myself with. It's pretty cool how sometimes the veins in your hands become extremely visible or how the bones move under your skin when you wiggle your fingers in the air like you're typing or playing the piano.

Having hands is also great for grabbing things and holding onto them, as well as making stuff. Imagine how not having any would lead to eating all your meals with your face; not being able to reach out into the dark, which I suppose if you look at the bigger picture, is really a large part of what I do - along with trying to get my hands into weird positions and sticking them into all sorts of places ranging from drawers and cupboards to pants that aren't mine.

Don't get me wrong, my hands aren't all that great, although I have always liked them. They are kind of weirdly shaped with the fingers growing into different directions. But they are mine and they are conveniently there most of the time and an interesting pair of hands is hard to come by. Maybe I am just picky about hands the way someone else is picky about breast implants. I don't know where I am going with this comparison.

Probably towards the Publish Post button.

Life

Well, I don't know. I enjoy the way it is most of the time, even though I acknowledge problems with the world and obvious improvements that could be made. I just don't see myself ever making a measurable difference. I'm generally almost overwhelmed when something works out the way I want it to, so much so that the smallest of things will keep me quite satisfied and from jumping in front of a train.

When something goes wrong it's generally not worse than I expected, so I guess that tells you a thing to two about how bad my general expectations are in life: as long as anything goes even remotely the way I'd like it to, I'll have something to smile about. It also helps when you don't make plans or expect things to work out in your favor.

And when everything does go wrong, there's always relief in knowing one day you won't have to deal with it anymore.

Maybe

if i
stay up all night every night
you'll sleep better

if i
sleep more all day every day
there'll be fewer mistakes

if i
speak less
you'll forget

if i
showed you everything
there'd be something else


there's only one way to find out
i guess

Music

all these sounds that belong in
different places, times
my head bursting at the seams
from all these memories

All your words that need saying sound like nothing more than redundant repetition void of meaning.

[my] Life is a series of mediocrely unhealthy relationships.

What is the point if one does not embrace their arbitrary decisions?

[And] the irony of hating something so similar to yourself.

I am but

another imperfect system
incomplete in its functions
crippled by needs, wants, desires
blinded by longing
mourning, yearning
rusting up without proper care
growing old; becoming
obsolete

taking so long
waiting, hesitating
not knowing

so much of
not enough

like
superglue
holding miniature models together
commands
binding entities into sets

until
someone drops it
the system crashes

Rocking the balance

Probably should have worked harder all those times people told me to. Not that hard work will pay off in the end, but having done something differently i may have ended up somewhere else. someone else. sometimes it's so tempting to think there are no alternatives and knowing what's around every corner is comforting in a way. History repeating itself; all you have to do is find the recurring pattern[s] and everything becomes a routine you [can] repeat without really being there. i wouldn't be able to tell you where i go, if you asked. i don't wonder most of the time; i wait. most of life is spent waiting. but i will wait.

Life is in many ways what i am learning now. changes all the time, whimsical in its directions; making plans is useless, but the roads are long and they go on for years ahead - consequences of the paths you take are no more concealed than they ever were. but i am always looking for the first appealing exit off this highway, and i'm not as hesitant to take it as i used to be. maybe i say things to convince myself more than anybody else, and as long as there is a reason - any i can find at all - i don't know how much there is lying, how much it matters, how much i can bring myself to understand why people are so upset so much of the time. how upset i am sometimes by the trivial. but most of all, why, and how that does not come across and how much i don't bother with clarifications.

I want to tear everything down to begin.
knowing how it works does not matter;
knowing that it does does.

Conclusions

I miss home, but don't know where it is
anymore

There are certain(ties that cannot be put into words,)
conversations i do not know how to have;
like math class in 7th grade and my teacher stressing it's
not enough to know the result
but i still cannot show you how i got to the outcome

Feelings

one size for all;
like a sweater that just won't fit

omnia mea mecum porto

I can't live in this castle
The halls are hollow
your whispers echo
Everything's so big,
won't fit in a pocket
not even your hands

A room is enough
The walls like arms
holding on tight
won't let go
of your hands


won't fit in a pocket
not even your hands

Why am fone?

The worst thing about life after you turn 18 is probably owning a (cell) phone. The flow of people trying to sell you shit never fucking stops.

No, I take that back. You can make it worse.

You can become an entrepreneur, and double the amount of shit people try selling you over the phone.

Ads online, on the street, in hockey matches (what?), underwear, socks, makeup, magazines, "health" products, you name it. Is there anything you can buy at the store anymore without someone telling you how awesome it is?

Oh, yes there is, but remember to bring your ID with you, because you probably don't look old enough to buy that carton of milk. However, if you decide to save time and shove your ID in the clerk's face, they're not going to want to see it.

The fact that anyone is looking forward to this baffles me. And every time I answer the phone, I wish I hadn't.

History

chester: its mostly about oppressing women
i love history
fuck you're shit
why do you think i love old pictures?
so i can masturbate to my garndma when she was younger?
you sick fuck

The Euro

I remember when it first came; the first time I went to the store and got myself some cents in exchange for my "old" money and how exciting it was to hold those shiny new coins in my hand, even though a part of me didn't really want to switch. For a long time, in fact I think all the way up until very recently, I would convert amounts of money on and off to ridicule the thought of how much more everything costs nowadays.

I feel like those old people stuck in the past, except it's probably worse. I can't even properly remember how much most things cost in my childhood. What I do remember is how suddenly having a 20 euro bill was more than the 100 bill you had had in marks, and how cool it was to have all of that freshly printed money that could get you "more for less".

And now, now I have utterly grown tired of this boring currency that does no good. There is no longer any comfort to be found in the thought that when you cross the borders of your country to another, you will not have to convert one currency to another and think about these things.

Turns out

it was really lack of practice
rather than sadness

Just stop

adding mobile features to everything

seriously.

Superpower

I don't know why, but I keep expecting everything to turn out fine. If it doesn't, there's always something else; better

and i am glad for having found it.

Honestly,

The stupid I witness daily.
How am I still here?
Will I ever cease to be amazed?

Happy pills; happy fills

Even when you're the most dissatisfied
things like
turning around to find

even your cleaning lady is a boss

runo lillistä:

pienenä leikittiin leikkejä ja kierrettiin yhdessä maailman reittejä. joskus sinulta saattoi nyrkki heilua, se ei ollut minua kohtaan reilua. autoa osaat jo hyvin ajaa, kaahauksissasi ei ole mitään rajaa. viisain meistä neljästä olet, se on huomannut minä ja monet. hulluja juttuja joskus teet, kuten: pyyhe päällä kauppaan meet. ♥

Annoyance

; the by-product of

lack of adjustment [to one's environment]
poor timing
[seemingly] (in)consistent thinking / conclusions
ideologies
opinions like assholes

the simple fact that,
i am more right than you

Celebrity life

Somewhere out there
someone hates [me] enough
to be alike

You are
the reason I
smile

Power

I don't, however, know for sure how 'depressing' the fact, that I derive some of the greatest comfort from ending my own life, is.

Shouldn't there be a 'cheerier' way to restore faith in having control over ... life?

People

All the broken machinery gathered over time
well if you cannot fix it

there's always tomorrow
room for another robotic surgery

parts of your personality amputated
thank you for your donations

consequences will never be the same;
neither will you

distractions, the likes of local anesthesia, so
you won't have to worry;

miss the spare parts that
have been collected

the waste land that is you
my precious R2-D2


maybe upgrade your software tomorrow

A world of [great] possibility

wanted to write a whole new chapter
about us, but
keep coming back to:
it' easier not to

wanted to punch life in the face
for us, but
keep coming back to:
these metaphores


the moments, when
every option is perfect
each path the right one






Young journalist: Everything you say is contradictory. You can't have been in one place and another at the same time. Of all those lives, which one is the right one?

Nemo Nobody aged 118: Each of these lives is the right one! Every path is the right path. Everything could have been everything else and it will have just as much meaning.

Chicken

Timeh: [...] Not really but I never was a fan of super whole chicken shits.
Sent at 10:05 PM on Thursday

[...]

me: I would buy a super whole chicken shit and punch it.
Because punching dead animals is fun.
Timeh: [...] Not as much as living ones, but it kinda does the trick sometimes too if you just need to let something out.

Money ≠ happiness

Clearly;
People who claim money cannot bring happiness
have never had any


or spent it wrong

Psychology

The conscious decisions made daily:
they smile at you, smile back to blend in
they don't smile, smile at them to see if you can get them to

victory...

and every single time you accept a flyer to seem nice,
pick up an ad for simple aesthetic pleasures;
never buying what they sell, but

...is theirs

The sky

is on fire.

What if

it becomes a game, and
it is all a game, and
it stops being a game, and

Five to noon, the power plant exploded.

My immediate reaction was to pack your shit and get the fuck out as soon as possible, but just as panic can spread like a deadly disease in a crowd, everybody else in the room seemed to already have accepted their fate. My instictive urge to escape faded as if they had severed a part of me, the only living part left, and drowned it into a bucket:

My mother's inner survivalist was nowhere to be found, and Bill Nighly from Guest House Paradiso had put on the most cheerful face he could find; the others didn't seem to have a clue about what was going on.

After what seemed a lifetime, we climbed into a tiny navy blue car and drove. Instead of driving away, we drove straight to the edge of town where the plant was. It was dark and snowy outside. Everybody else was driving in the opposite direction. I couldn't get myself to say a word and it wasn't due to being paralyzed by fear of dying. I simply couldn't tell if the man behind the wheel was a fucking idiot simultaneously hoping there was a good reason for this. The reason? We pulled over next to a thick concrete wall built on the other side of the river next to the power plant: a safety zone. Inside we found an old school friend of mine and a baby, abandoned.

I didn't know what I was doing. I walked through the tunnel we were in, opened the door at the other end and stared at the disaster area across the river. It seemed like a million miles away, and it was five to noon again, and there was an explosion that brightened up the sky with a mushroom cloud that followed. As I focused to see how bad the damage was, the power plant seemed to get closer until it was at a walking distance. I saw electric pulps of what I assumed to be some sort of radioactive waste come out of the cracks in the wall; like green webs of electricity with a life of their own diving into the river. The water wasn't drinkable. How long would we have to stay here? We didn't have any food.

Quickly closing the door behind me confused about how the explosion happened now while I had been informed it had already happened when we were still at home, I walked back to my family and the man who was there without any reason. None of the questions I posed got a definitive answer, and it seemed like a joke when I pointed out that standing next to a wall made entirely of glass gave us no real shelter.

The abandoned baby was blisfully ignorant about what was going on, but as the explosions outside made the tunnel tremble my mother held it and tried to calm it down as I could see something starting to grow on the baby's chest, beneath its clothes. It was going to die, and my helplessness took the shape of anger as nobody was doing anything.

Suddenly, we were outside, trying to cross the river to get to the power plant. Why; I had no idea, but somehow my mother had ended up in the river and as she tried getting out, one of the seemingly living electric webs caught her and I was sure she would die before getting out, but I still couldn't look away. With her floating lifeless, face in the water, almost ashore, I turned around to find my brother in the water and tried to convince him to get out, but it was like we were in two different TV shows and I was on mute.

Back in our living room. Everybody was alive again. Five to noon. Take two. This time; no. We weren't going to drive in the wrong direction. If I came to survive without dying from cancer or poisoning, I'd become a stand-up comedian. "If this is point A and we're here, and this is point B where the nuclear power plant is, and all we need to do is stay at a 2-3 minute drive from it to stay safe, why are we driving towards it instead of away from it?" (Crowd laughs; I know, worst joke ever.)

In the car again. I don't know where we're driving anymore, but I feel a desperate need to leave this place and the need pours out in a stream of words; the list of reasons to leave grows as the last reason(s) I had to stay is wiped out by a wave of tumors. At this point I'm ready to consider marriage with a man I've never met, until I am informed it would cost me more than I can afford.

Chores

I used to hate doing the dishes.

Then I remembered: Arbeit macht frei.

Lies

Remember that time you said that thing about that other thing, and I still think about it?

Me neither. I can't remember.

Attitudes: My driver's license

Before getting one: fuck cars
After getting one: fuck walking

Before driving in the winter: I'll be there in 15
... in the winter: I'll be there in—

Freedom: a dramatic reading

From the perspective of freedom being the state prior to choosing sides; life, a job, a career, a family. A fucking big television, washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Before good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. The present lacking morgage repayments; a starter home, friends. No leisure wear and matching luggage. Not facing the choice of a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Prior to DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning; sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth ... rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future? Choose life?

...

I never stood a chance
at freedom

Improvements to the world as we know it

Shut the fuck up and do what I say.

Someone stab me

It's like the first year of high school all over again
for the fourth time

except this time
every day is like fucking déjà-vu

Remember when...

there was too much time
the summers would never end
somehow everything was better
someone would always cook for you
a little money was more than enough

silly rules could be overcome with age
the worst enemies... weren't
endless patience was that of another
you didn't have to, you could
you couldn't, you were going to

Did you; are you?

Transitions

In fact it shouldn't change anything that much, right, right right right. But I've got my mind on other things, other people, dreams turning into nightmares. The nightmares I used to run from I don't miss you them it anymore but I do, sometimes, sometimes I really do, I miss it; the stress, the hurry, the bullshit I had to put up with for so many years.

But I've got my mind on other things and I can't hear you I'm not here I'm always away, always somewhere else and you're not here I'm not there but I could feel you when I, if only I, could stay awake for five minutes. Nothing feels like anything and I can't hear you I can't see you I don't know what you're saying, I don't know what you're saying.

Follow your dreams. Follow your dreams. Follow your dreams the mantra playing over and over is all I hear you're all I think about when I go to sleep and freedom is an obsession well I hear obsession is what lazy people call dedication, but I don't, I don't, I don't know what I'm [not] doing. [but it feels good, too]

Everything ends and it's no reason not to live here and now, but avoiding the present is the only way to keep going. all drained out I, I, I, it's all a game, but I've forgotten the rules and I don't know the moves; the only valuable move is not to move, You're a puzzle you're my puzzle I'm going to make you mine I'm going to, I will, you are you are you are you are intact.

I got my mind on other things, I can't recall a single word you said to me, I don't even hear myself but the voice [i]s there, it's there it's present it's all coming out this time I'm not going to break everything this time. This time there'll be a plan: no plans. There'll be you, and me and then some, and you may never know but I love you I love you I love you I love you and we don't speak but I speak to you without ever saying a thing, I write and I think and I feel and I miss, long for, strive to stay awake and fight for even when the enemy's out of sight oh i don't know what we're fighting for or if it's worth it but the lust for you never goes away it's only replaced by moments of disgust, relief for holding back, comfort in not making another mistake.

But I've got my mind on other things and the nightmares, the nightmares, the nightmares feel like adventures and more real than this here now, thought cuts off but I can feel it remember it everything could almost reach out and touch the moment and maybe if i can keep this up I won't slip into another coma. the sun sets as the light of reason set long ago. everything is an illusion, life is a playground, won't you play with me, play, play, play, another round of hide and seek, cars and airports and busses, ships, mountains, fields and wild berries strange currencies and languages neither of us can speak, memories, moments, everything's in the wrong tense

and we're always stuck in the present
no regrets
no regrets
no regrets

but I've got my mind on other things
these things
those things
other things

You could do anything, anything at all, anywhere at any time but I can't tell when you're serious or if I ever am, jokes, jokes pile up and one thing leads to another but we're never quite there and I could leave everything for another fifteen minutes; though, for once, having been able to say words I've believed I meant I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I could die right now and I'd be the happiest ever; the plane could fall I could fall and the sensation of flying, what would I know with the cold air and wind and there's snow on the ground but Christmas never seems to go away but how is it never there when Christmas finally arrives and New Year's Doesn't Feel Like A New Day, Not Like Yesterday nor does today feel like anything i can't see hear speak but tomorrows, there's a new day around the corner another day full of potential hope happiness victories like each night every single travel never made all that shit you've never seen me do all the words you could never hear the ones i couldn't speak; busy being in disagreement with myself and its surroundings/// but I've got my mind on other things


Suggestions
Propositions
Proposals
what would you say to. . .

I'm here I'm now I'm everywhere I'm no one nowhere never there don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't. There's no greater art than there is art in not meaning anything but nothing and everything all at once; sleeping dreaming awake i forget lose perspective fade away with the thoughts and dreams and words washing over, tides pulling away constructing the idea of all those sand castles on the beaches of imagination seems much more enlightening and exciting than going outdoors, respect, respect, honesty, fuck all conflicts with what I don't believe in and supposed manners people ought to have and smiles I wish were genuine but it all makes me sick; thank you thank you thank you thank you for

Wanting to get along. even when all I see hear is bullshit. Together just you and me. Pronouns unattached; people taken out of context, fear sinking into indifference, character into oblivion. Tell me, tell me, let me tell you, listen to, hear, experience, dreams, secrets, life, dance to the music no one else has time for.

Oh, I've got my mind on other things. No matter, it'll work itself out, someone will, maybe I won't, but none of us will make it, some of us will, we'll all get there on our own time, fuck time, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck but whisper sweet things and don't push your luck; above all don't [listen to me] and break the rules. Don't construct rules. Combine, bend, cheat, destroy, give in; never ask for permission. ask for forgiveness.

But I've got my mind on why I don't know the reasons to advocate my position or anyone else's or why mine is supposed to be any better than yours not to mention I cannot justify why I feel so fortunate for being instead of envying you for having things I will never have had or why I wish you could taste some of this or why I wish to share it or think you couldn't feel it in the first place or why I'm wasting all this time and sometimes I remember to look up at the sky to see the rays light up quilts of fields, play on your skin, the clouds moving past the full moon and the stars and all I want to do is lie down on the ground and smell the grass like I used to do as a kid but the summer's gone and I can see my breath and it's always too easy to come up with excuses.

He was watching the whole time