It's just growing pains; just growing pains

I know I only want what I can't have and the only reason I keep coming back for more is because you keep saying no. Don't say Yes just yet.

I've never been more miserable in my life; never felt more alive.

Every time you turn me down a part of me dies.

I know I should go, but no rationalization over this will help me save face and walk away.

I need another mistake that will either make me or break me.

There's a sick longing to crack the foundation of my very being; undo everything I've spent so long carefully building.

I can't even tell if I am hurting because you are or because of you; if there is, ever was, a difference.

Just because it's a mistake doesn't mean it's not worth making; because it's difficult doesn't mean it's not worth pursuing. Because it's reckless and stupid should be enough to stop me, but. I can't keep my hands to myself, can't deny myself the sharp sting of your words and I am terrified by the excitement and thrill of completely destroying myself over nothing.

I guess I might see you on the other side,

Life

Well, I don't know. I enjoy the way it is most of the time, even though I acknowledge problems with the world and obvious improvements that could be made. I just don't see myself ever making a measurable difference. I'm generally almost overwhelmed when something works out the way I want it to, so much so that the smallest of things will keep me quite satisfied and from jumping in front of a train.

When something goes wrong it's generally not worse than I expected, so I guess that tells you a thing to two about how bad my general expectations are in life: as long as anything goes even remotely the way I'd like it to, I'll have something to smile about. It also helps when you don't make plans or expect things to work out in your favor.

And when everything does go wrong, there's always relief in knowing one day you won't have to deal with it anymore.

I am but

another imperfect system
incomplete in its functions
crippled by needs, wants, desires
blinded by longing
mourning, yearning
rusting up without proper care
growing old; becoming
obsolete

taking so long
waiting, hesitating
not knowing

so much of
not enough

like
superglue
holding miniature models together
commands
binding entities into sets

until
someone drops it
the system crashes

A world of [great] possibility

wanted to write a whole new chapter
about us, but
keep coming back to:
it' easier not to

wanted to punch life in the face
for us, but
keep coming back to:
these metaphores


the moments, when
every option is perfect
each path the right one






Young journalist: Everything you say is contradictory. You can't have been in one place and another at the same time. Of all those lives, which one is the right one?

Nemo Nobody aged 118: Each of these lives is the right one! Every path is the right path. Everything could have been everything else and it will have just as much meaning.

Transitions

In fact it shouldn't change anything that much, right, right right right. But I've got my mind on other things, other people, dreams turning into nightmares. The nightmares I used to run from I don't miss you them it anymore but I do, sometimes, sometimes I really do, I miss it; the stress, the hurry, the bullshit I had to put up with for so many years.

But I've got my mind on other things and I can't hear you I'm not here I'm always away, always somewhere else and you're not here I'm not there but I could feel you when I, if only I, could stay awake for five minutes. Nothing feels like anything and I can't hear you I can't see you I don't know what you're saying, I don't know what you're saying.

Follow your dreams. Follow your dreams. Follow your dreams the mantra playing over and over is all I hear you're all I think about when I go to sleep and freedom is an obsession well I hear obsession is what lazy people call dedication, but I don't, I don't, I don't know what I'm [not] doing. [but it feels good, too]

Everything ends and it's no reason not to live here and now, but avoiding the present is the only way to keep going. all drained out I, I, I, it's all a game, but I've forgotten the rules and I don't know the moves; the only valuable move is not to move, You're a puzzle you're my puzzle I'm going to make you mine I'm going to, I will, you are you are you are you are intact.

I got my mind on other things, I can't recall a single word you said to me, I don't even hear myself but the voice [i]s there, it's there it's present it's all coming out this time I'm not going to break everything this time. This time there'll be a plan: no plans. There'll be you, and me and then some, and you may never know but I love you I love you I love you I love you and we don't speak but I speak to you without ever saying a thing, I write and I think and I feel and I miss, long for, strive to stay awake and fight for even when the enemy's out of sight oh i don't know what we're fighting for or if it's worth it but the lust for you never goes away it's only replaced by moments of disgust, relief for holding back, comfort in not making another mistake.

But I've got my mind on other things and the nightmares, the nightmares, the nightmares feel like adventures and more real than this here now, thought cuts off but I can feel it remember it everything could almost reach out and touch the moment and maybe if i can keep this up I won't slip into another coma. the sun sets as the light of reason set long ago. everything is an illusion, life is a playground, won't you play with me, play, play, play, another round of hide and seek, cars and airports and busses, ships, mountains, fields and wild berries strange currencies and languages neither of us can speak, memories, moments, everything's in the wrong tense

and we're always stuck in the present
no regrets
no regrets
no regrets

but I've got my mind on other things
these things
those things
other things

You could do anything, anything at all, anywhere at any time but I can't tell when you're serious or if I ever am, jokes, jokes pile up and one thing leads to another but we're never quite there and I could leave everything for another fifteen minutes; though, for once, having been able to say words I've believed I meant I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I could die right now and I'd be the happiest ever; the plane could fall I could fall and the sensation of flying, what would I know with the cold air and wind and there's snow on the ground but Christmas never seems to go away but how is it never there when Christmas finally arrives and New Year's Doesn't Feel Like A New Day, Not Like Yesterday nor does today feel like anything i can't see hear speak but tomorrows, there's a new day around the corner another day full of potential hope happiness victories like each night every single travel never made all that shit you've never seen me do all the words you could never hear the ones i couldn't speak; busy being in disagreement with myself and its surroundings/// but I've got my mind on other things


Suggestions
Propositions
Proposals
what would you say to. . .

I'm here I'm now I'm everywhere I'm no one nowhere never there don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't. There's no greater art than there is art in not meaning anything but nothing and everything all at once; sleeping dreaming awake i forget lose perspective fade away with the thoughts and dreams and words washing over, tides pulling away constructing the idea of all those sand castles on the beaches of imagination seems much more enlightening and exciting than going outdoors, respect, respect, honesty, fuck all conflicts with what I don't believe in and supposed manners people ought to have and smiles I wish were genuine but it all makes me sick; thank you thank you thank you thank you for

Wanting to get along. even when all I see hear is bullshit. Together just you and me. Pronouns unattached; people taken out of context, fear sinking into indifference, character into oblivion. Tell me, tell me, let me tell you, listen to, hear, experience, dreams, secrets, life, dance to the music no one else has time for.

Oh, I've got my mind on other things. No matter, it'll work itself out, someone will, maybe I won't, but none of us will make it, some of us will, we'll all get there on our own time, fuck time, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck but whisper sweet things and don't push your luck; above all don't [listen to me] and break the rules. Don't construct rules. Combine, bend, cheat, destroy, give in; never ask for permission. ask for forgiveness.

But I've got my mind on why I don't know the reasons to advocate my position or anyone else's or why mine is supposed to be any better than yours not to mention I cannot justify why I feel so fortunate for being instead of envying you for having things I will never have had or why I wish you could taste some of this or why I wish to share it or think you couldn't feel it in the first place or why I'm wasting all this time and sometimes I remember to look up at the sky to see the rays light up quilts of fields, play on your skin, the clouds moving past the full moon and the stars and all I want to do is lie down on the ground and smell the grass like I used to do as a kid but the summer's gone and I can see my breath and it's always too easy to come up with excuses.

I love you

Being a douchebag helps contribute to meaning the good things.

Expensive taste

Against investing in brands
For the discovering of quality products;

Freedom, privacy
Embracing the end of the world as we know it
Courage

I am [become] a moral gray zone.
[the] destroyer of worlds

If I were a superhero

I'd be the creepy-looking middle-aged man in a trench coat on the side of the road.
unwashed, unshaven
Superpower: exhibitionism


contributing to society
one thought at a time
but still
lacking of words

privacy; what luxury

oh laughter

Morning monologues

[...]

If true communication is impossible, because words mean different things to different people and whatever general definitions we might have only serve as guidelines, then in order for me to express myself as clearly and simply as possible I would have to define every concept I use separately. It's very difficult to do this briefly, when you're stuck with people who might have difficulties with the one language you both share and they might not have the attention span to hear what you're saying, if what you say comes out as a long speech. Fuck you. Maybe it's just me though.

[...]

Thank you for laughing. I smile back on all the times I've made you laugh.

[...]

What would I ever do, if I actually reached my destination?

Suppressed anger and acceptance

I don't ever want to go anywhere again;

?

Hatred

I (probably) have lots of unresolved hate issues.

I don't really care about getting to know new people, it sucks always having to repeat the same stories and tell people the same things about yourself. I say I don't know why I bother, and really, most of the time I wonder, because I really don't know. It's so disappointing all too often. I hate you all.

[but the list is no more]

The ultimate dudes' dude

If I were a guy, I'd be one of those individuals considered to be disgusting for scratching their balls in front of others and drinking straight from the milk carton. I'd have dirty messy hair and I'd wear the same clothes for weeks on end. I'd be lazy to shower as personal hygiene is overrated anyways. I'd drink beer.

I'd also be more homosexual than you.

Did I forget to mention glasses? I would totally fucking wear glasses.