It's just growing pains; just growing pains

I know I only want what I can't have and the only reason I keep coming back for more is because you keep saying no. Don't say Yes just yet.

I've never been more miserable in my life; never felt more alive.

Every time you turn me down a part of me dies.

I know I should go, but no rationalization over this will help me save face and walk away.

I need another mistake that will either make me or break me.

There's a sick longing to crack the foundation of my very being; undo everything I've spent so long carefully building.

I can't even tell if I am hurting because you are or because of you; if there is, ever was, a difference.

Just because it's a mistake doesn't mean it's not worth making; because it's difficult doesn't mean it's not worth pursuing. Because it's reckless and stupid should be enough to stop me, but. I can't keep my hands to myself, can't deny myself the sharp sting of your words and I am terrified by the excitement and thrill of completely destroying myself over nothing.

I guess I might see you on the other side,

what could possibly go wrong?

If it fits, it may as well have been intentional. and

if it wasn't, what's the harm in a little play pretend?

what i mean is, how are you going to know your limits, unless you go too far?

This is a pretty egomaniacal way of putting it, but

I could sit around all day hoping for my dreams to come true or
i can spend some of that time becoming other people's dreams

or making them;

whatever, really

Rocking the balance

Probably should have worked harder all those times people told me to. Not that hard work will pay off in the end, but having done something differently i may have ended up somewhere else. someone else. sometimes it's so tempting to think there are no alternatives and knowing what's around every corner is comforting in a way. History repeating itself; all you have to do is find the recurring pattern[s] and everything becomes a routine you [can] repeat without really being there. i wouldn't be able to tell you where i go, if you asked. i don't wonder most of the time; i wait. most of life is spent waiting. but i will wait.

Life is in many ways what i am learning now. changes all the time, whimsical in its directions; making plans is useless, but the roads are long and they go on for years ahead - consequences of the paths you take are no more concealed than they ever were. but i am always looking for the first appealing exit off this highway, and i'm not as hesitant to take it as i used to be. maybe i say things to convince myself more than anybody else, and as long as there is a reason - any i can find at all - i don't know how much there is lying, how much it matters, how much i can bring myself to understand why people are so upset so much of the time. how upset i am sometimes by the trivial. but most of all, why, and how that does not come across and how much i don't bother with clarifications.

I want to tear everything down to begin.
knowing how it works does not matter;
knowing that it does does.

Power

I don't, however, know for sure how 'depressing' the fact, that I derive some of the greatest comfort from ending my own life, is.

Shouldn't there be a 'cheerier' way to restore faith in having control over ... life?

Freedom: a dramatic reading

From the perspective of freedom being the state prior to choosing sides; life, a job, a career, a family. A fucking big television, washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Before good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. The present lacking morgage repayments; a starter home, friends. No leisure wear and matching luggage. Not facing the choice of a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Prior to DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning; sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth ... rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future? Choose life?

...

I never stood a chance
at freedom

Expensive taste

Against investing in brands
For the discovering of quality products;

Freedom, privacy
Embracing the end of the world as we know it
Courage

I am [become] a moral gray zone.
[the] destroyer of worlds

Victorious with nothing to show for it

You may know happiness better than I ever will
that's not stopping me from feeling up her girly parts
temptation embodied, twice
doors I don't hold keys to;
locks that aren't

I dare you to make this day more worth living than today.

Choices

It may be that I could do any one thing
at any given moment

only one thing
out of all those alternatives
is key here

saying yes to something, but
ultimately
saying no to everything else

This will always have been your one thing
as well as mine; at a different time, place
we will have shared the same different thing(s)
together, alone

Scents of life

Sometimes people smell so intoxicating I want nothing more than to sink into their smell so much the whole world fades. Even when such a feeling seems to consume every part of my body, I'm able to feel like throwing up at the very thought of anyone being anywhere near me.

It's rather saddening to be full of desire to tell people about their incredibly awesome traits and characteristics, but being unable to unleash all that when you know it would only cause a terrible mess, since people have the tendency to take things the wrong way and read more into a compliment than should be. I tried not to care for a long time, but now it simply doesn't seem worth it to go through all the trouble.

So all of it goes unsaid.

But maybe it's my fault for giving any of it such great importance, I should perhaps learn not to care so much about anything.

Forgetfulness may lead to destruction

Every statement has a whole world behind it and all my explaining is a sign of my lack of trust in your ability to see beyond anything I say. Maybe it's become an obsession due to my own bad vision. I don't assume people comprehend a thing when they nod yes. I don't count on there being any reliable connection between their expressions and understanding. I see broken powerlines swinging about; glimpses of light that will eventually disappear.

It's wonderful to have the skill to paint captivating sceneries and compose enchanting melodies. What happens when the ones on the receiving end discover they've been hanging the paintings upside-down and playing the records the wrong way round?